An Open Apology

I don’t often make a big deal of apologising. If I’ve done something wrong, I like to fix it. Even if I don’t or didn’t realise I’d stuffed up, I like to put things right where I can.  For a while now I’ve known that I’ll need to make an apology, see it’s been an interesting 6 months. Or more than that really.

In late 2013 I moved house, had some wisdom teeth out, had a gum infection, had a weekend of anxiety/depression meltdown (due to being sick), had some more teeth out, prepared to go overseas, got my life in order and then found out I was pregnant and didn’t go overseas. Now, I’ll make this VERY clear, I’m not apologising for being pregnant.

My little Bug as I affectionately call him (yep, he’s a boy!), was a surprise. A life changing surprise. My first trimester was the hardest time of my life. Each day was a battle to keep food down, it felt like every time I moved I vomited or at least was attacked by waves of nausea. Then there was the emotional turmoil of a surprise pregnancy. I still can’t put into words that first few months.  It’s a haze of sickness and a retreat into myself. Implosion.

Over the past six months I have had very little to give, there hasn’t been anything left over. My energy has been focussed on getting through a day and getting through my shifts at work. With already depleted physical and mental/emotional capacities, work has taken most of what I had left. For the most part, I have not had the capacity to deal with interacting with other people even on a casual basis.

The emotional side of things has been incredibly tough. To step outside your faith and belief system and “stuff up” has immense ramifications to your state of mind and faith. Add to that facing life as a single mum and the reality of bringing a child into the world in this particular situation. Then there’s the “high risk” pregnancy label thrown in as well. There’s been a lot to process. There just hasn’t been space left in my head for anything or anyone else. That’s the best way to describe it.

It hasn’t been so much a depressive episode or phase, there  are qualities of that, but more a situation of being knocked over and having to find my feet again. It’s been a tough time as I’ve been acutely aware of not being able to do as much as I usually do. Relationships and other areas of my life have suffered from neglect. My house is a mess most days and this blog is sorely neglected.

As I look forward I am so pleased to know that I have started to find my feet. Or rather my feet have planted themselves again on the rock that is higher than I. I’m so very excited about the next season of life as a mother. As much as I struggle with change there is something refreshing and enlivening about your life being turned upside down. As I look forward I’m also aware that my capacity to “be there” and present in people’s lives is going to remain slightly diminished for a while. Soon I’ll have the needs of a child to attend to and he will always come first. My capacity to give has started to be restored but it is still much restricted. There just isn’t a whole lot of room in there to add others to it.

So I’m sorry.

For being distant.

For not “being there” in general and on any special occasions I may have missed.

For being rude or impatient.

For not giving as much of myself as I usually do – whether my time or my attention.

For not being my usual self.

I’m sorry for what has been and for the coming months of not “being there”.

I think about my people often. Know that my love and affection remains unchanged. Drop me a line to tell me about your life if you like, it’s a nice distraction from baby stuff!

Love,

Sara xo

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Streetlife

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A few weeks ago the weekly photo challenge was to capture the life of a street. I considered heading out into the main streets of my beloved Frankston, there’s so much to see there. Instead, I’ve captured my humble residential street. There’s my front fence to the left, next door is the drive way that leads to the Dawson’s, where I used to live. Next stop is the brick fence of a block of units, a lady and her children live in one of those units. I’m not sure if there’s one or more kids, but even from two doors down I can hear her talking very loudly (aka yelling) to her offspring.

It’s an empty street in this moment and yet it’s one that is full of life and people. Over the past six months I’ve had plenty of time to see what this humble street holds. From my couch in the lounge room I see people walking their dogs, joggers, kids on their bikes or scooters heading to the milkbar, an elderly man with his walker and jack russell go by every day, kids going and coming home from school and various other people from all walks of life. I often tell myself off for people watching from the couch, memories of my aunt and mum doing the same as I was growing up. Yet each time I see movement from the corner of my eye I can’t help but glance out to see, to wonder who they are, what they’re doing, if they’re well, to smile at the excitement of kids or wonder if that paper bag holds a few cans. It’s just too much for a self confessed people watcher to resist from the comfort of her couch!

I love our little street, quiet but full of life.

 

Honest

Honesty is the best policy has always been one of my most important values. I had it drilled into me at an early age that lies are terrible and that I must always tell the truth. I must have really taken this to heart, even not telling the whole story is lying and therefore bad. If asked a direct question, especially to my face, I am unable to lie. I did once, lie that is, and I then spewed. Literally. That’s how strongly honesty has been ingrained into who I am.  As I’ve grown up, I have had to learn that it’s ok not to tell everyone everything. Not everyone I know needs to know every detail about my life. At work if the boss or someone complains about something and it was me, I’ll fess up straight away.

Recently I was too honest too soon. I don’t regret much in life, things happen for a reason. I regret being too honest this time. Not the honesty, but in the timing. It’s hard when you can’t keep something to yourself because of that intrinsic part of who you are. This time, for my own health and wellbeing, I wish I’d been able to keep it to myself for a little bit longer. I wish I’d been selfish for a change. It’s been a rough couple of months and I wish that I had just waited a bit longer. To when I could deal with the fall out a bit better. To when my feet were back on the ground and I’d begun to find my center again. I still believe that honesty is the best policy, it’s the when and how that I need to be cautious of.

I wonder though, if in a few weeks or years, I’ll look back and realise that even this was meant to be. 

It’s All About Me

The other day we all turned a page over in our calendar’s. Well actually, we began a new calendar and a new diary. Unless you’re like me, a stationary addict who bought her sparkling new diary a month or two ago. I was delighted to discover that my new diary started in December 2013! I was able to use it straight away. Mind you I only have a vague notion of where it is sitting right now.

For me, this New Year has just been another day in the week. Well I wanted it to be just another day. The constant posts on Facebook from people reflecting and making resolutions annoyed me and I refused to do my own. Yet a new year brings new possibilities and the chance to begin again. I avoided reflecting and resolving and then I watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, a film filled with starting over. On New Year’s Day I had a momentous conversation, but I’ll probably write about those two things in separate blog posts.

The point being, I am starting again. On this blog. I’ve been meaning to get back to it for the longest time and now is as good as ever. I stumbled across the Zero to Hero 30 Day Blogging Challenge and that’s it! Here I am. My new start.

I’ll re-introduce myself.

This is me, Sara. The one that this blog is all about.

This is me, Sara. The one that this blog is all about.

Who? I’m Sara, disability care worker, devoted aunt, artist, crafter, slightly scatterbrained. I love everything creative and I love words. I love to write and to think. I love Jesus and yet I am a simple human who doesn’t always get it right. I think, I think too much and this sometimes means I get labels like “depression” and “anxious” looming over me. Yet I’m also passionate, about people, about kindness, about grace, about creating a world that is beautiful and filled with grace. I’m complex apparently, it’s part of being an introvert and I love it.

What? What is this blog about? It’s about thinking and sharing. Something I’ve learnt in life is that we all live behind walls and it just takes one person to be vulnerable and share to help start breaking those walls down. So I’ll be honest, I’ll share my life, I’ll think and muse. When I find stuff that makes my heart smile or my spirit resonate, I’ll share it with you.
There will also be photos. I will attempt to do the weekly photo challenge with bonus words added in!

When? My goodness, I’d love to set goals but I am useless at them really. No matter how useless I am at them, if I don’t set them what will motivate me?! One of my goals for 2014 is to blog more and I am going to aim for at least once a week – the photo challenge with some thoughts. Oh, and you’ll be inundated over the next 30 days as I undertake the Zero to Hero challenge. I probably won’t make it every single day but gosh I’ll give it a good crack.

Well blogosphere people, I need to go and find that beautiful 2014 Diary.

Until next time

Love,

Sara xo

The Place Where I Live

A few weeks ago the Weekly Photo Challenge was My Neighbourhood. I’ve been a little distracted but I am so excited to post about my home town. Frankston is actually the place where I was born. I grew up in Sorrento/Blairgowrie until I was 9 and love the peninsula. Frankston itself has a bad name, it has for years. My parents wouldn’t let us swim at Frankston beach as kids, it was too dirty.

Back in the old days it was a holiday destination, now it’s an outer suburb of Melbourne with it’s on culture and varying demographics. Here in Frankston there is a wide array of people, rent can vary from the cheap to the ridiculous. It has everything I need – the beach, paddocks close by, all the healthcare you need and bustling shopping centres.

People think I am nuts living so far away from the city in a place where crime and “weirdos” are common. They play classical music at the train station and seeing police around there is not uncommon. Yet it’s my home, it’s a community I can live in and love people from all walks of life. It is beautiful, from the smelly rubbish filled corners to the natural beauty of the beach.

Enjoy 🙂
Love,

Sara

Weekly Photo Challenge: Lost In The Details Part 1

During my recent mini trip to Sydney I visited Madame Tussauds and entered a whole other world. I expected the exhibition to be mostly a spectator sport and had thought that my little friend Levi would find it boring. I was looking after him as his parents were working in Sydney and so my two days were focussed on fun times for him.

I found instead that it was quite interactive and I was actually disappointed that I’d timed the visit for little Levi’s nap time. He was awake for the beginning but too tired to fully enjoy pretending to be a pirate on a ship or a pilot taking off. He actually got distressed when I hopped in the “plane” and waved goodbye. (Note to self: 2.5 year olds sometimes find it difficult to differentiate between real and pretend).

As I wandered through there was plenty of opportunity to take photos with the “celebrities”. I had my fancy pants camera and had a great time snapping lots of photos, lost in the details of a man made wax likeness. Some were uncanny in their life likeness, I had moments of thinking there were people in my peripheral vision only to turn and realise it was a wax figure. I couldn’t take full advantage of the props and photo opportunities as I was on my own. Levi can work a camera quite well, but he was sleeping soundly in his stroller soon after arriving. I don’t like others using my camera anyway. I couldn’t help but chase someone down to take a photo of myself with one of my heroes though.

Albert and I

Hot, bothered and having a bad hair day I had to have a photo with Albert Einstein. Misunderstood by so many he continued to explore and share his knowledge. If he’d been afraid and shut down because he was different, he wouldn’t have changed the world. He inspires me to keep sharing who I am with the world rather than my introvert inclination to close up. What an amazing man and this is the closest that I’ll ever come to meeting him.

Part of the exhibition details the process taken to make a wax model. It is intense! I won’t repeat it all as you can read about it here . One of my favorites was Queen Elizabeth. Her wax model captures not only her likeness but her dignity and grace. It truly was a captivating time of becoming lost in the details.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Love

DSC_0289I thought and I thought about this one. I’m single and sometimes bitter about that fact so I didn’t want to do anything romantic. Besides, I tend to find the mushy stuff too mushy and predictable. Romantic love is just not a part of my life at the moment. I thought about doing something about friendship, family, God, Jesus etc etc.  As usual I wanted to express my Weekly Photo Challenge in a creative and meaningful way. As I was driving along one day I remembered this picture.

This is is little Sarah, my almost 4 year old housemate. We have a mutual adoration society between the two of us that makes my heart smile each and every single day. I captured this photo in one of those magical moments of a child’s life. She LOVES the beach, she is captivated by the sand, water and shells. I love this photo as I’ve captured her in a moment of pure joy and abandonment.  A moment where she is loving life without restrictions.

Love for me at the moment is about learning to love my life. To be captivated and in love with who and what I have around me. I have so much love in my life – to give and receive.

One of my life goals, one of the most important ones, is to love life with joy and abandonment just like this moment in little Sarah’s life.