An Open Apology

I don’t often make a big deal of apologising. If I’ve done something wrong, I like to fix it. Even if I don’t or didn’t realise I’d stuffed up, I like to put things right where I can.  For a while now I’ve known that I’ll need to make an apology, see it’s been an interesting 6 months. Or more than that really.

In late 2013 I moved house, had some wisdom teeth out, had a gum infection, had a weekend of anxiety/depression meltdown (due to being sick), had some more teeth out, prepared to go overseas, got my life in order and then found out I was pregnant and didn’t go overseas. Now, I’ll make this VERY clear, I’m not apologising for being pregnant.

My little Bug as I affectionately call him (yep, he’s a boy!), was a surprise. A life changing surprise. My first trimester was the hardest time of my life. Each day was a battle to keep food down, it felt like every time I moved I vomited or at least was attacked by waves of nausea. Then there was the emotional turmoil of a surprise pregnancy. I still can’t put into words that first few months.  It’s a haze of sickness and a retreat into myself. Implosion.

Over the past six months I have had very little to give, there hasn’t been anything left over. My energy has been focussed on getting through a day and getting through my shifts at work. With already depleted physical and mental/emotional capacities, work has taken most of what I had left. For the most part, I have not had the capacity to deal with interacting with other people even on a casual basis.

The emotional side of things has been incredibly tough. To step outside your faith and belief system and “stuff up” has immense ramifications to your state of mind and faith. Add to that facing life as a single mum and the reality of bringing a child into the world in this particular situation. Then there’s the “high risk” pregnancy label thrown in as well. There’s been a lot to process. There just hasn’t been space left in my head for anything or anyone else. That’s the best way to describe it.

It hasn’t been so much a depressive episode or phase, there  are qualities of that, but more a situation of being knocked over and having to find my feet again. It’s been a tough time as I’ve been acutely aware of not being able to do as much as I usually do. Relationships and other areas of my life have suffered from neglect. My house is a mess most days and this blog is sorely neglected.

As I look forward I am so pleased to know that I have started to find my feet. Or rather my feet have planted themselves again on the rock that is higher than I. I’m so very excited about the next season of life as a mother. As much as I struggle with change there is something refreshing and enlivening about your life being turned upside down. As I look forward I’m also aware that my capacity to “be there” and present in people’s lives is going to remain slightly diminished for a while. Soon I’ll have the needs of a child to attend to and he will always come first. My capacity to give has started to be restored but it is still much restricted. There just isn’t a whole lot of room in there to add others to it.

So I’m sorry.

For being distant.

For not “being there” in general and on any special occasions I may have missed.

For being rude or impatient.

For not giving as much of myself as I usually do – whether my time or my attention.

For not being my usual self.

I’m sorry for what has been and for the coming months of not “being there”.

I think about my people often. Know that my love and affection remains unchanged. Drop me a line to tell me about your life if you like, it’s a nice distraction from baby stuff!

Love,

Sara xo

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Weekly Photo Challenge: Love

DSC_0289I thought and I thought about this one. I’m single and sometimes bitter about that fact so I didn’t want to do anything romantic. Besides, I tend to find the mushy stuff too mushy and predictable. Romantic love is just not a part of my life at the moment. I thought about doing something about friendship, family, God, Jesus etc etc.  As usual I wanted to express my Weekly Photo Challenge in a creative and meaningful way. As I was driving along one day I remembered this picture.

This is is little Sarah, my almost 4 year old housemate. We have a mutual adoration society between the two of us that makes my heart smile each and every single day. I captured this photo in one of those magical moments of a child’s life. She LOVES the beach, she is captivated by the sand, water and shells. I love this photo as I’ve captured her in a moment of pure joy and abandonment.  A moment where she is loving life without restrictions.

Love for me at the moment is about learning to love my life. To be captivated and in love with who and what I have around me. I have so much love in my life – to give and receive.

One of my life goals, one of the most important ones, is to love life with joy and abandonment just like this moment in little Sarah’s life.

Weekly Photo Challenge: My 2012 in Pictures

Weekly Photo Challenge: Surprise

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All around her the bustle whizzes by. Lives of others surround her existence and she wanders through between them. The joy, the magic, where has it gone? Her heart cries sadly for the woman she has become. Each Christmas the darkness clings to her, it’s wretched claws tightening around her until she can’t breath under it’s grip. She awaits it this year, sniffing the air for the foul stench of her festive season darkness.

Surprise, surprise, she doesn’t detect anything She starts to look forward to and plan a Christmas day with gladness in her heart. One night an adventure begins with pancakes and the best friend and her 2 year old. It’s surprise ending is a late night trip into the city. The Melbourne Town Hall is lit up in a magnificent display of light and sound. Magical minutes of perfectly timed animation and music fitted intricately onto a majestic building. Then wandering through Melbourne discovering Christmas lights and windows on it’s streets.

The magic of Christmas lights reflects in the face of a child. Something trickles into her soul. Her own heart finds again the joy that once filled her heart as a child. She remembers nights tracking the progress of Santa, swearing that she heard him chomping on biscuits in the dark hours of the night. This Christmas season she finds delight in the magic of Christmas, surprising herself. And others.

She thinks she’s made it through. The grip of the monster comes by surprise as she is going about her tasks on Christmas night. It should be a special day she thinks, but here I am doing what I do every day. As the days pass, families do family things and for her, life continues as normal. Her singleness and far away family rendering her life bland and out of any loops.

She holds on. Clinging to the magic that trickled into her heart only days before. Fighting the claw that feeds her lies awaiting the next pleasant surprise of freedom.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Green

Green

I have had a low week and so when I read this I momentarily thought of all the things I am jealous of in others. I considered doing the photos all about it too! Seriously! I didn’t though, obviously. In the end I have enjoyed choosing some photos that have a story. I haven’t purposefully gone out and found green things, they’re snaps I’ve taken along the way. I like that, life. I find so much beauty in the simple things. I’m still using only my phone to take and edit pictures. The good news is I am working crazy hours over December and asking for cash for Christmas rather than presents. So my aim is to buy a fancy pants camera by the 14th of January.

Now, for the stories.

1. PJ Pants

These are my favourite PJ pants that have a lovely design, as you can see. They have my favourite kinds of aqua greens and blue in them. I love wearing matching and coordinated pyjamas. A friend once said to another friend “Sara dresses well, but you should see her pyjama’s. They’re a wardrobe all of their own.”

2. Snow Peas

My little 3.5 year old housemate and I love to do the “Sair Bear and Sarah Cooking Show”. She’ll stand at the bench while I’m preparing dinner and we’ll pretend it’s a cooking show. Complete with “Welcome to the Sair Bear and Sarah Cooking Show, today our special guest is Pocahontas. Now tell me Pocahontas, what are your favourite dishes to cook?” She’ll play with the food and help tremendously in her own little Sarah way. This time I actually gave her a butter knife and let her cut some soft things. Then she thoroughly enjoyed pulling some snow peas apart, examining their little peas inside.

3. Garden Greens

Featuring little Sarah again. My grown up housemate and mother to little Sarah is a green thumb. In our little backyard lives raised garden beds for nurturing the growth of edible things. We’ve had homegrown delights such as lettuce, tomatoes, basil, herbs, celery and broccoli. Sarah will hunt and gather the herbs to make a concoction. We’ve made some tasty lamb marinades from our concoctions.

4. Little Green Elf

This looks very Christmassy so I just had to put it in. I knitted this cute little fella for a friend’s baby. She was born recently and I’m looking forward to meeting her one day.

5. MP3

I had a moment this week where I once again was overwhelmed with the kindness and generosity of my housemates. My car was broken into before I went away and my backpack stolen. My iPod was in there and I was sad about that.  I was telling them about it this week and then they just gave me this cute little MP3 player. I love it, it was top of the range 6 years ago and still works brilliantly!