An Open Apology

I don’t often make a big deal of apologising. If I’ve done something wrong, I like to fix it. Even if I don’t or didn’t realise I’d stuffed up, I like to put things right where I can.  For a while now I’ve known that I’ll need to make an apology, see it’s been an interesting 6 months. Or more than that really.

In late 2013 I moved house, had some wisdom teeth out, had a gum infection, had a weekend of anxiety/depression meltdown (due to being sick), had some more teeth out, prepared to go overseas, got my life in order and then found out I was pregnant and didn’t go overseas. Now, I’ll make this VERY clear, I’m not apologising for being pregnant.

My little Bug as I affectionately call him (yep, he’s a boy!), was a surprise. A life changing surprise. My first trimester was the hardest time of my life. Each day was a battle to keep food down, it felt like every time I moved I vomited or at least was attacked by waves of nausea. Then there was the emotional turmoil of a surprise pregnancy. I still can’t put into words that first few months.  It’s a haze of sickness and a retreat into myself. Implosion.

Over the past six months I have had very little to give, there hasn’t been anything left over. My energy has been focussed on getting through a day and getting through my shifts at work. With already depleted physical and mental/emotional capacities, work has taken most of what I had left. For the most part, I have not had the capacity to deal with interacting with other people even on a casual basis.

The emotional side of things has been incredibly tough. To step outside your faith and belief system and “stuff up” has immense ramifications to your state of mind and faith. Add to that facing life as a single mum and the reality of bringing a child into the world in this particular situation. Then there’s the “high risk” pregnancy label thrown in as well. There’s been a lot to process. There just hasn’t been space left in my head for anything or anyone else. That’s the best way to describe it.

It hasn’t been so much a depressive episode or phase, there  are qualities of that, but more a situation of being knocked over and having to find my feet again. It’s been a tough time as I’ve been acutely aware of not being able to do as much as I usually do. Relationships and other areas of my life have suffered from neglect. My house is a mess most days and this blog is sorely neglected.

As I look forward I am so pleased to know that I have started to find my feet. Or rather my feet have planted themselves again on the rock that is higher than I. I’m so very excited about the next season of life as a mother. As much as I struggle with change there is something refreshing and enlivening about your life being turned upside down. As I look forward I’m also aware that my capacity to “be there” and present in people’s lives is going to remain slightly diminished for a while. Soon I’ll have the needs of a child to attend to and he will always come first. My capacity to give has started to be restored but it is still much restricted. There just isn’t a whole lot of room in there to add others to it.

So I’m sorry.

For being distant.

For not “being there” in general and on any special occasions I may have missed.

For being rude or impatient.

For not giving as much of myself as I usually do – whether my time or my attention.

For not being my usual self.

I’m sorry for what has been and for the coming months of not “being there”.

I think about my people often. Know that my love and affection remains unchanged. Drop me a line to tell me about your life if you like, it’s a nice distraction from baby stuff!

Love,

Sara xo

Weekly Photo Challenge: Lost In The Details Part 1

During my recent mini trip to Sydney I visited Madame Tussauds and entered a whole other world. I expected the exhibition to be mostly a spectator sport and had thought that my little friend Levi would find it boring. I was looking after him as his parents were working in Sydney and so my two days were focussed on fun times for him.

I found instead that it was quite interactive and I was actually disappointed that I’d timed the visit for little Levi’s nap time. He was awake for the beginning but too tired to fully enjoy pretending to be a pirate on a ship or a pilot taking off. He actually got distressed when I hopped in the “plane” and waved goodbye. (Note to self: 2.5 year olds sometimes find it difficult to differentiate between real and pretend).

As I wandered through there was plenty of opportunity to take photos with the “celebrities”. I had my fancy pants camera and had a great time snapping lots of photos, lost in the details of a man made wax likeness. Some were uncanny in their life likeness, I had moments of thinking there were people in my peripheral vision only to turn and realise it was a wax figure. I couldn’t take full advantage of the props and photo opportunities as I was on my own. Levi can work a camera quite well, but he was sleeping soundly in his stroller soon after arriving. I don’t like others using my camera anyway. I couldn’t help but chase someone down to take a photo of myself with one of my heroes though.

Albert and I

Hot, bothered and having a bad hair day I had to have a photo with Albert Einstein. Misunderstood by so many he continued to explore and share his knowledge. If he’d been afraid and shut down because he was different, he wouldn’t have changed the world. He inspires me to keep sharing who I am with the world rather than my introvert inclination to close up. What an amazing man and this is the closest that I’ll ever come to meeting him.

Part of the exhibition details the process taken to make a wax model. It is intense! I won’t repeat it all as you can read about it here . One of my favorites was Queen Elizabeth. Her wax model captures not only her likeness but her dignity and grace. It truly was a captivating time of becoming lost in the details.

Weekly Writing Challenge: In An Instagram

This was a hard one as I am a bit slow. Intelligent yes, a tad slow nonetheless. You see, I look back into my past and it’s hard to see the moments that changed my life, my thinking, how I work, how I process stuff. This could also be my foggy memory interfering. I did just read somewhere the other day that once you turn 30, your brain cells start dying off. If the internet says so it must be true. (Note to self: Must remember to google products/foods to increase brain power).

I digress, where was I. Oh yes, moments. There was a moment where my world came tumbling down around me, and I remember that vividly. The moment that a close friend and foster aunt died in a car accident. It was 3 weeks before my 21st birthday and I’d spoken to her on the phone a couple of days before. I remember literally collapsing as a friend arrived to go shopping. It was like the movies.

After that I lost faith in life, in hope, and motivation in most things. I dropped out of uni, I became withdrawn and depressed. I became a shadow of myself.  This moment, while it deeply changed me, also brought to the surface long hidden brokenness.

Since then, just over a decade ago, it’s been a long climb, sometimes a sprint, sometimes a leisurely stroll.  The most profound moments that have spurred me on has been the Aunty Sair Bear ones.

Children of sisters, brother and friend’s coming into this world. For these little ones I want to be a better person. Each moment that I discovered I was to be an aunty again, whether biological or not, overflowed with joy.  The birth of each of them the most exciting moments in my life. I have become determined to walk through this life more like Christ, with more love, more grace and more whole. If I can simply be all that God created me to be, to keep putting the pieces of my life together, I will be the best aunty that I possibly can be. A place of fun, care, safety, nurturing and love  in the midst of a chaotic world.

My little people teach me so much in this world. Their sometimes profound words and natural intuitiveness to people is awe inspiring. Their natural and easy giving of love teaches me how I want to be in love with people. I treasure the moments that I have with them, the giving of their love, their grins, laughter, tears, whines, bossiness, cups of tea, babycino’s, songs and ordinary vegemite toast moments.

The best moments of all are the random and unprovoked outbursts of “I love you” that comes from their whole hearts.

I currently have 3 nieces, 1 nephew and 2 “nephews” and 1 “niece”, it is an honor and blessing to be walking through life by their side.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Silhouette

This is my daily view as I sit here relaxing, reflecting, creating and finding refreshment. I’m on holiday, staying with friends in their home near the town of Devonport in northern Tasmania. It is beautiful here. I love this tree, and as the sea miss rolled in off the Bass Strait I was entranced. I watched as the mist swirled and provided a perfect backdrop for this tree. The thing with a hibernating tree, is that it promises new life. Buds are beginning to form again on it’s skeleton. Where there seemed to be nothing, life is springing forth.

Throughout the Bible there are many references and images based on trees. Yet for me, now, in my season of winter, this image reminds me of Ezekial’s vision of the valley of the dry bones (Ezekial 37:1-14). The promise of life in a place of death.

Hope.

I’ve been nervously reading WordPress’s “The Daily Post At WordPress.com”. I want to delve into the blogging world with full force but lack confidence, discipline, thoughts, ideas and a few other things. My hesitation is that I’ll feel compelled to post every day and I just don’t think I’m up for that kind of commitment. Then I discovered the Weekly Photo Challenge – two of my great passions combined!

Here I am. Here’s my first post. I’ve glued the “Post A Day” badge to my blog and promised my perfectionist within me that I don’t have to post every single day. Once or twice a week is fine too.

Looking forward to the journey ahead. Always feel free to comment, question and leave feedback.

For now bloggonians, I bid you a goodnight

Love,

Sara xo

10 Days of Gratefulness: Day 8 – Intelligence

I’m smart. Modest too 😉 I thought about putting this with creativity, but they are two things that I am incredibly grateful for both together and separately. I’m not a genius by any means, but I can think. I learn quickly and I think fast. I can think and discuss with people and I ask questions. SO many questions! I am an introvert and so thinking happens constantly. Even if I am quiet, my mind is a busy hive of thoughts and activity. My mind is constantly taking everything in and processing the world around me.

I love that I don’t think inside the box, that I am able to see things in new ways. I can problem solve and adapt to situations. I can string some sentences together in a way that is intelligent. Sometimes I even make people laugh! Or maybe just smile.

That is all for this moment of appreciation. Sometimes less is more.

Love,

Sara xoxox

10 Days Of Gratefulness: Day 1 – Change

When you pass through the waters, 
    I will be with you; 
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire, 
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

                                                         (Isaiah 43:2)

It’s 9 days to my birthday and this is something that I have mixed emotions about every year. Life events around this time of year over the years has caused me to look towards August with almost a dread feeling. “What’s gonna happen this year?” Then there’s the inner tumble of whether to do something or not – “is it going to be a let down, but it’s my birthday, I should be excited.”  Then there’s the whole single thing, if I want to do something then I have to organise it. Seems kind of selfish, throwing a party or activities for yourself. Yet it is often the one time a year that a single person get’s to celebrate something that is about them. Life goes along and others celebrate anniversaries, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and other family/couple type things. For once, I’m not saying this to have a self pity party! Just telling it like it is.

Underneath all of this. I want to celebrate. I want to celebrate the day that I entered this world. I don’t want to be the centre of attention, as an introvert it’s actually the last thing I want! I just want to have some fun because it’s my birthday. I want to do my favourite things and share the fun with some people I love.

So it’s that time of year again. August. The countdown is on. This past 12-18 months has been a challenge and life has been an uphill climb. An uphill climb has meant that sadness and negativity has been a constant companion. The past few weeks I’ve started smiling again and actually seeing the amazing blessings in my life. To continue this positivity, to kick this blog along, to counteract the August Dread and above all to give thanks to Him that has given me everything, I’ve decided to do a little blog series. I’ve named it “10 Days of Gratefulness” (highly original and creative, I know! haha!) The 10 things won’t be in a particular order of importance, just what is on my mind that day.

Firstly, I am thankful for change. Strange I know, even I tend to struggle with it when it happens. Yet change excites me, it means things are moving to better places. I am thankful for current changes in my life. Change that means moving from a place of struggle to a place of contentment and even joy. Change that means ending cycles of the August Dread and creating a habit that is life giving.

Love,

Sara xoxox