An Open Apology

I don’t often make a big deal of apologising. If I’ve done something wrong, I like to fix it. Even if I don’t or didn’t realise I’d stuffed up, I like to put things right where I can.  For a while now I’ve known that I’ll need to make an apology, see it’s been an interesting 6 months. Or more than that really.

In late 2013 I moved house, had some wisdom teeth out, had a gum infection, had a weekend of anxiety/depression meltdown (due to being sick), had some more teeth out, prepared to go overseas, got my life in order and then found out I was pregnant and didn’t go overseas. Now, I’ll make this VERY clear, I’m not apologising for being pregnant.

My little Bug as I affectionately call him (yep, he’s a boy!), was a surprise. A life changing surprise. My first trimester was the hardest time of my life. Each day was a battle to keep food down, it felt like every time I moved I vomited or at least was attacked by waves of nausea. Then there was the emotional turmoil of a surprise pregnancy. I still can’t put into words that first few months.  It’s a haze of sickness and a retreat into myself. Implosion.

Over the past six months I have had very little to give, there hasn’t been anything left over. My energy has been focussed on getting through a day and getting through my shifts at work. With already depleted physical and mental/emotional capacities, work has taken most of what I had left. For the most part, I have not had the capacity to deal with interacting with other people even on a casual basis.

The emotional side of things has been incredibly tough. To step outside your faith and belief system and “stuff up” has immense ramifications to your state of mind and faith. Add to that facing life as a single mum and the reality of bringing a child into the world in this particular situation. Then there’s the “high risk” pregnancy label thrown in as well. There’s been a lot to process. There just hasn’t been space left in my head for anything or anyone else. That’s the best way to describe it.

It hasn’t been so much a depressive episode or phase, there  are qualities of that, but more a situation of being knocked over and having to find my feet again. It’s been a tough time as I’ve been acutely aware of not being able to do as much as I usually do. Relationships and other areas of my life have suffered from neglect. My house is a mess most days and this blog is sorely neglected.

As I look forward I am so pleased to know that I have started to find my feet. Or rather my feet have planted themselves again on the rock that is higher than I. I’m so very excited about the next season of life as a mother. As much as I struggle with change there is something refreshing and enlivening about your life being turned upside down. As I look forward I’m also aware that my capacity to “be there” and present in people’s lives is going to remain slightly diminished for a while. Soon I’ll have the needs of a child to attend to and he will always come first. My capacity to give has started to be restored but it is still much restricted. There just isn’t a whole lot of room in there to add others to it.

So I’m sorry.

For being distant.

For not “being there” in general and on any special occasions I may have missed.

For being rude or impatient.

For not giving as much of myself as I usually do – whether my time or my attention.

For not being my usual self.

I’m sorry for what has been and for the coming months of not “being there”.

I think about my people often. Know that my love and affection remains unchanged. Drop me a line to tell me about your life if you like, it’s a nice distraction from baby stuff!

Love,

Sara xo

Streetlife

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A few weeks ago the weekly photo challenge was to capture the life of a street. I considered heading out into the main streets of my beloved Frankston, there’s so much to see there. Instead, I’ve captured my humble residential street. There’s my front fence to the left, next door is the drive way that leads to the Dawson’s, where I used to live. Next stop is the brick fence of a block of units, a lady and her children live in one of those units. I’m not sure if there’s one or more kids, but even from two doors down I can hear her talking very loudly (aka yelling) to her offspring.

It’s an empty street in this moment and yet it’s one that is full of life and people. Over the past six months I’ve had plenty of time to see what this humble street holds. From my couch in the lounge room I see people walking their dogs, joggers, kids on their bikes or scooters heading to the milkbar, an elderly man with his walker and jack russell go by every day, kids going and coming home from school and various other people from all walks of life. I often tell myself off for people watching from the couch, memories of my aunt and mum doing the same as I was growing up. Yet each time I see movement from the corner of my eye I can’t help but glance out to see, to wonder who they are, what they’re doing, if they’re well, to smile at the excitement of kids or wonder if that paper bag holds a few cans. It’s just too much for a self confessed people watcher to resist from the comfort of her couch!

I love our little street, quiet but full of life.

 

Honest

Honesty is the best policy has always been one of my most important values. I had it drilled into me at an early age that lies are terrible and that I must always tell the truth. I must have really taken this to heart, even not telling the whole story is lying and therefore bad. If asked a direct question, especially to my face, I am unable to lie. I did once, lie that is, and I then spewed. Literally. That’s how strongly honesty has been ingrained into who I am.  As I’ve grown up, I have had to learn that it’s ok not to tell everyone everything. Not everyone I know needs to know every detail about my life. At work if the boss or someone complains about something and it was me, I’ll fess up straight away.

Recently I was too honest too soon. I don’t regret much in life, things happen for a reason. I regret being too honest this time. Not the honesty, but in the timing. It’s hard when you can’t keep something to yourself because of that intrinsic part of who you are. This time, for my own health and wellbeing, I wish I’d been able to keep it to myself for a little bit longer. I wish I’d been selfish for a change. It’s been a rough couple of months and I wish that I had just waited a bit longer. To when I could deal with the fall out a bit better. To when my feet were back on the ground and I’d begun to find my center again. I still believe that honesty is the best policy, it’s the when and how that I need to be cautious of.

I wonder though, if in a few weeks or years, I’ll look back and realise that even this was meant to be. 

It’s All About Me

The other day we all turned a page over in our calendar’s. Well actually, we began a new calendar and a new diary. Unless you’re like me, a stationary addict who bought her sparkling new diary a month or two ago. I was delighted to discover that my new diary started in December 2013! I was able to use it straight away. Mind you I only have a vague notion of where it is sitting right now.

For me, this New Year has just been another day in the week. Well I wanted it to be just another day. The constant posts on Facebook from people reflecting and making resolutions annoyed me and I refused to do my own. Yet a new year brings new possibilities and the chance to begin again. I avoided reflecting and resolving and then I watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, a film filled with starting over. On New Year’s Day I had a momentous conversation, but I’ll probably write about those two things in separate blog posts.

The point being, I am starting again. On this blog. I’ve been meaning to get back to it for the longest time and now is as good as ever. I stumbled across the Zero to Hero 30 Day Blogging Challenge and that’s it! Here I am. My new start.

I’ll re-introduce myself.

This is me, Sara. The one that this blog is all about.

This is me, Sara. The one that this blog is all about.

Who? I’m Sara, disability care worker, devoted aunt, artist, crafter, slightly scatterbrained. I love everything creative and I love words. I love to write and to think. I love Jesus and yet I am a simple human who doesn’t always get it right. I think, I think too much and this sometimes means I get labels like “depression” and “anxious” looming over me. Yet I’m also passionate, about people, about kindness, about grace, about creating a world that is beautiful and filled with grace. I’m complex apparently, it’s part of being an introvert and I love it.

What? What is this blog about? It’s about thinking and sharing. Something I’ve learnt in life is that we all live behind walls and it just takes one person to be vulnerable and share to help start breaking those walls down. So I’ll be honest, I’ll share my life, I’ll think and muse. When I find stuff that makes my heart smile or my spirit resonate, I’ll share it with you.
There will also be photos. I will attempt to do the weekly photo challenge with bonus words added in!

When? My goodness, I’d love to set goals but I am useless at them really. No matter how useless I am at them, if I don’t set them what will motivate me?! One of my goals for 2014 is to blog more and I am going to aim for at least once a week – the photo challenge with some thoughts. Oh, and you’ll be inundated over the next 30 days as I undertake the Zero to Hero challenge. I probably won’t make it every single day but gosh I’ll give it a good crack.

Well blogosphere people, I need to go and find that beautiful 2014 Diary.

Until next time

Love,

Sara xo

Weekly Photo Challenge: Lost in the Details Part 2

Another place that little Levi and I visited was the Australian National Maritime Museum. We went there for a “Mini Mariner‘s” session, an interactive tour for 2-5 year olds. If you’re heading to Sydney with kids, I highly recommend you check out their website and see what’s happening for kids. Levi and I had a whole lot of fun with the pirate themed hour.

Back to the point, on my way out of the museum, with Levi now fast asleep in the stroller, I stopped to watch the work of this man. He was crafting a replica ship. Simply amazing, I’ll let the photos do the talking.

Love,

Sara xo

Weekly Photo Challenge: Lost In The Details Part 1

During my recent mini trip to Sydney I visited Madame Tussauds and entered a whole other world. I expected the exhibition to be mostly a spectator sport and had thought that my little friend Levi would find it boring. I was looking after him as his parents were working in Sydney and so my two days were focussed on fun times for him.

I found instead that it was quite interactive and I was actually disappointed that I’d timed the visit for little Levi’s nap time. He was awake for the beginning but too tired to fully enjoy pretending to be a pirate on a ship or a pilot taking off. He actually got distressed when I hopped in the “plane” and waved goodbye. (Note to self: 2.5 year olds sometimes find it difficult to differentiate between real and pretend).

As I wandered through there was plenty of opportunity to take photos with the “celebrities”. I had my fancy pants camera and had a great time snapping lots of photos, lost in the details of a man made wax likeness. Some were uncanny in their life likeness, I had moments of thinking there were people in my peripheral vision only to turn and realise it was a wax figure. I couldn’t take full advantage of the props and photo opportunities as I was on my own. Levi can work a camera quite well, but he was sleeping soundly in his stroller soon after arriving. I don’t like others using my camera anyway. I couldn’t help but chase someone down to take a photo of myself with one of my heroes though.

Albert and I

Hot, bothered and having a bad hair day I had to have a photo with Albert Einstein. Misunderstood by so many he continued to explore and share his knowledge. If he’d been afraid and shut down because he was different, he wouldn’t have changed the world. He inspires me to keep sharing who I am with the world rather than my introvert inclination to close up. What an amazing man and this is the closest that I’ll ever come to meeting him.

Part of the exhibition details the process taken to make a wax model. It is intense! I won’t repeat it all as you can read about it here . One of my favorites was Queen Elizabeth. Her wax model captures not only her likeness but her dignity and grace. It truly was a captivating time of becoming lost in the details.

You Can’t Catch Me… ner…oh…

I was never good at playing tag. I was always too slow. Here I am… I’m IT again.. but this time it’s awesome! I love that Steph has tagged her blog tag post “awesome”. She’s the one that got me. Like Steph, I love that it’s a game with words and not the sporty type. It’s too hot to move here in Melbourne today anyway! Like any game it has rules….

1. Post these rules.
2. Post a photo of yourself and eleven random facts about you.
3. Answer the questions given to you in the tagger’s post.
4. Create eleven new questions and tag new people to answer them.
5. Go to their blog/twitter and let them know they have been tagged.

Here’s me when I had lovely hair. It had pink in it….

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It’s longer and still blonde, except the roots which give it all away.

Ok, so 11 facts… this will make a total of 25 facts about me pasted all over my blogs. I feel like a celebrity. You know, everyone knows all about you but you don’t know them?!

1. I don’t like the heat although I loved visiting Africa. It was the constant dodgy belly that did me in.

2. I am a hoarder, not like the ones you see on TV though. I can still see my bed from my bedroom door.

3. I only have 6 subjects to go in my Bachelor of Arts in Ministry!!!

4. I’m going on a road trip to Sydney with my best friend and her 2.5 year old on Monday!!!

5. Superman is my favourite superhero.

6. I watched Rambo and I liked it.

7. When I move into my own place I’d like to get a turtle and a cat although I can see possible problems with that combination.

8. It’s too hot today. I should go to the beach but I sunburn just opening the blinds. I am also prone to exaggerate.

9. I love to cook but I don’t let people know. I can cook a decent meal too!

10. I am very artistic and can paint and draw well but space and motivation (lack thereof) has limited me for many years. That’s why I took up photography.

11. My dream is to be a foster mum.

Now to answer Steph’s questions: 

  1. Who is your favourite celebrity and why? Angelina Jolie. She’s beautiful, has adopted kids from overseas and planted orphanages. She has done good things with her fame.
  2. If you could take one thing into outer space that wasn’t for survival what would it be? An iPad or eReader with 100’s of books of all types loaded on it.
  3. Lemon sorbet or double chocolate ice cream? Double chocolate ice cream all the way!!!! I do like trying other creamy flavors but I tend to always go for the chocolate. I was really excited when the girl at the ice cream shop let me have a half scoop of chocolate and half scoop of something else the other week.
  4. What music do you listen to? Loads of different types, this week my favourites are P!nk (as usual), Emeli Sande, Jesus Culture and Mumford and Sons. This song is a great motivator to write: 
  5. What’s your favourite movie of all time? This is such a hard one! Despite my preference for action, adventure and sci fi – it’s probably Dirty Dancing. I saw Silver Linings Playbook last night and I think it might end up being a very close 2nd. Les Miserables is also up there
  6. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I haven’t counted them recently but I’d say about 10.
  7. If you could have any animal, real or imagined, for a pet what would it be? A pride of lions without a doubt!!!
  8. Beer or wine? Or maybe something stronger? Beer for the hot days and wine for dinner.
  9. If Bert and Ernie could have kids, and they had a baby would it be a boy or a girl? Name the baby. It would be a girl and her name would be Matilda. She’d hang with Abby Cadabby and Zoe a lot.
  10. If your skin could be any colour in the rainbow, or combinations of colours, what would you choose? Blue? Purple? Rainbow with sparkles? I’d just like to have porcelain white skin. No freckles or moles or spots, just nice smooth skin. I am pale but freckled and go pink when I am hot.
  11. Truth or dare? Truth. If I could control the dare I’d choose that but then that defeats the purpose of a dare!

Now.. I will create some questions

1. If you could have lunch with anyone present, past, future, real or fictional who would you choose?

2. What would you want to talk to them about?

3. What is your favorite colour?

4. Sweet or savoury?

5.What are the top 3 things on your bucket list?

6. How is your day going?

7. If you had unlimited resources what would you do?

8. Who would you cast as yourself in a movie about you?

9. Chocolate, vanilla or strawberry?

10. Why is it so hot today?

11. What’s the last thing you watched at the cinema?

Now to tag some people then flop back under the fan….. Be a dear and join in will you all?

1. Parenting and Stuff

2. Snide Reply

3. My Novel Addiction

…go!!!

Ok… time to flop…