An Open Apology

I don’t often make a big deal of apologising. If I’ve done something wrong, I like to fix it. Even if I don’t or didn’t realise I’d stuffed up, I like to put things right where I can.  For a while now I’ve known that I’ll need to make an apology, see it’s been an interesting 6 months. Or more than that really.

In late 2013 I moved house, had some wisdom teeth out, had a gum infection, had a weekend of anxiety/depression meltdown (due to being sick), had some more teeth out, prepared to go overseas, got my life in order and then found out I was pregnant and didn’t go overseas. Now, I’ll make this VERY clear, I’m not apologising for being pregnant.

My little Bug as I affectionately call him (yep, he’s a boy!), was a surprise. A life changing surprise. My first trimester was the hardest time of my life. Each day was a battle to keep food down, it felt like every time I moved I vomited or at least was attacked by waves of nausea. Then there was the emotional turmoil of a surprise pregnancy. I still can’t put into words that first few months.  It’s a haze of sickness and a retreat into myself. Implosion.

Over the past six months I have had very little to give, there hasn’t been anything left over. My energy has been focussed on getting through a day and getting through my shifts at work. With already depleted physical and mental/emotional capacities, work has taken most of what I had left. For the most part, I have not had the capacity to deal with interacting with other people even on a casual basis.

The emotional side of things has been incredibly tough. To step outside your faith and belief system and “stuff up” has immense ramifications to your state of mind and faith. Add to that facing life as a single mum and the reality of bringing a child into the world in this particular situation. Then there’s the “high risk” pregnancy label thrown in as well. There’s been a lot to process. There just hasn’t been space left in my head for anything or anyone else. That’s the best way to describe it.

It hasn’t been so much a depressive episode or phase, there  are qualities of that, but more a situation of being knocked over and having to find my feet again. It’s been a tough time as I’ve been acutely aware of not being able to do as much as I usually do. Relationships and other areas of my life have suffered from neglect. My house is a mess most days and this blog is sorely neglected.

As I look forward I am so pleased to know that I have started to find my feet. Or rather my feet have planted themselves again on the rock that is higher than I. I’m so very excited about the next season of life as a mother. As much as I struggle with change there is something refreshing and enlivening about your life being turned upside down. As I look forward I’m also aware that my capacity to “be there” and present in people’s lives is going to remain slightly diminished for a while. Soon I’ll have the needs of a child to attend to and he will always come first. My capacity to give has started to be restored but it is still much restricted. There just isn’t a whole lot of room in there to add others to it.

So I’m sorry.

For being distant.

For not “being there” in general and on any special occasions I may have missed.

For being rude or impatient.

For not giving as much of myself as I usually do – whether my time or my attention.

For not being my usual self.

I’m sorry for what has been and for the coming months of not “being there”.

I think about my people often. Know that my love and affection remains unchanged. Drop me a line to tell me about your life if you like, it’s a nice distraction from baby stuff!

Love,

Sara xo

Streetlife

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A few weeks ago the weekly photo challenge was to capture the life of a street. I considered heading out into the main streets of my beloved Frankston, there’s so much to see there. Instead, I’ve captured my humble residential street. There’s my front fence to the left, next door is the drive way that leads to the Dawson’s, where I used to live. Next stop is the brick fence of a block of units, a lady and her children live in one of those units. I’m not sure if there’s one or more kids, but even from two doors down I can hear her talking very loudly (aka yelling) to her offspring.

It’s an empty street in this moment and yet it’s one that is full of life and people. Over the past six months I’ve had plenty of time to see what this humble street holds. From my couch in the lounge room I see people walking their dogs, joggers, kids on their bikes or scooters heading to the milkbar, an elderly man with his walker and jack russell go by every day, kids going and coming home from school and various other people from all walks of life. I often tell myself off for people watching from the couch, memories of my aunt and mum doing the same as I was growing up. Yet each time I see movement from the corner of my eye I can’t help but glance out to see, to wonder who they are, what they’re doing, if they’re well, to smile at the excitement of kids or wonder if that paper bag holds a few cans. It’s just too much for a self confessed people watcher to resist from the comfort of her couch!

I love our little street, quiet but full of life.

 

Quirks…. This could take a while…

Quirks

I love today’s, actually it’s yesterday’s Daily Prompt – quirks, the ones you love and the ones that you loathe. I love it because I myself am a bundle of quirks that at times leaves others smiling condescendingly. See the thing is, over the past few years I’ve come to a place where I accept and love the quirky things that come with the Sara package. When we can embrace our quirkiness instead of hiding it, wonderful things happen. We find others our own kind of quirky.

One of my hobbies/quirky attributes is my love of knitting, crochet and craft in general. Some think it’s quaint, old fashioned but definitely a quirk. Find some other crafters and you end up with a thriving craft group that meets once a month. True story. My heart sings when I gather with people who are the crafty kind of quirky.

Then there’s the quirky interests/fascinations/obsessions, ones that truly reveal that I never want to grow up. Superman is one of them, I love Superman so much that I wear these shoes. I also love Superman so much that some of my little friend’s also love Superman. Yes, one little friend also has Superman shoes. We’re pretty cool.

There’s many other quirks to add to my quirkiness: feeling the texture of clothes when I’m shopping; humming in public; talking to myself; my fascination with medical dramas and medical stuff in general which then leads to panic if I cough funny and my strange ability to either chat with anyone or absolute social awkwardness. I’ll stop now, this could take a while.

I guess the point of it all, my post on quirkiness, is that we all have them. Don’t hide who you are (unless you can’t use their/there/they’re or his/he’s properly, then change that. It’s one of my frustrating quirks – the grammar police within me). To finish, I’ll leave you with a thought from one of my favourite authors.

“Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!”

Dr Seuss

Love,

Sara xo

Weekly Photo Challenge: Window

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Weekly Photo Challenge: Window

This is my window. It’s the one that my writing desk sits in front of.  Sometimes I gaze through and out of it and see every little detail. Other times I see nothing. Mostly it feels as if I am in the middle of a calm bush. Then someone walks past my house and it brings me back into the reality of a suburban home.

Where Thoughts Are Made

Thoughts are a constant flow. Mostly a steadily flowing river and at times a torrential downpour. Cyclone like thought conditions prevail at times also. It can be difficult with a head full of thoughts to actually make head and tail of them. At first this was to be a photo of my shower head, or perhaps my pillow. Both are places where thoughts are made. I thought about it some more. These are places of inspiration and clear thinking and yet there is a better place.

When I smell the scent of salt water something within me becomes instantly alive and yet calm. Sitting on the beach surrounded by the hustle and bustle of people is where my mind slows down. Walking through the water my thoughts slow down enough to make sense of them. When the cyclone hits, it’s the safety of the beach that I seek out. It is the beach where my thoughts are made.

Daily Prompt: Simply the Best

Honest

Honesty is the best policy has always been one of my most important values. I had it drilled into me at an early age that lies are terrible and that I must always tell the truth. I must have really taken this to heart, even not telling the whole story is lying and therefore bad. If asked a direct question, especially to my face, I am unable to lie. I did once, lie that is, and I then spewed. Literally. That’s how strongly honesty has been ingrained into who I am.  As I’ve grown up, I have had to learn that it’s ok not to tell everyone everything. Not everyone I know needs to know every detail about my life. At work if the boss or someone complains about something and it was me, I’ll fess up straight away.

Recently I was too honest too soon. I don’t regret much in life, things happen for a reason. I regret being too honest this time. Not the honesty, but in the timing. It’s hard when you can’t keep something to yourself because of that intrinsic part of who you are. This time, for my own health and wellbeing, I wish I’d been able to keep it to myself for a little bit longer. I wish I’d been selfish for a change. It’s been a rough couple of months and I wish that I had just waited a bit longer. To when I could deal with the fall out a bit better. To when my feet were back on the ground and I’d begun to find my center again. I still believe that honesty is the best policy, it’s the when and how that I need to be cautious of.

I wonder though, if in a few weeks or years, I’ll look back and realise that even this was meant to be. 

It’s All About Me

The other day we all turned a page over in our calendar’s. Well actually, we began a new calendar and a new diary. Unless you’re like me, a stationary addict who bought her sparkling new diary a month or two ago. I was delighted to discover that my new diary started in December 2013! I was able to use it straight away. Mind you I only have a vague notion of where it is sitting right now.

For me, this New Year has just been another day in the week. Well I wanted it to be just another day. The constant posts on Facebook from people reflecting and making resolutions annoyed me and I refused to do my own. Yet a new year brings new possibilities and the chance to begin again. I avoided reflecting and resolving and then I watched The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, a film filled with starting over. On New Year’s Day I had a momentous conversation, but I’ll probably write about those two things in separate blog posts.

The point being, I am starting again. On this blog. I’ve been meaning to get back to it for the longest time and now is as good as ever. I stumbled across the Zero to Hero 30 Day Blogging Challenge and that’s it! Here I am. My new start.

I’ll re-introduce myself.

This is me, Sara. The one that this blog is all about.

This is me, Sara. The one that this blog is all about.

Who? I’m Sara, disability care worker, devoted aunt, artist, crafter, slightly scatterbrained. I love everything creative and I love words. I love to write and to think. I love Jesus and yet I am a simple human who doesn’t always get it right. I think, I think too much and this sometimes means I get labels like “depression” and “anxious” looming over me. Yet I’m also passionate, about people, about kindness, about grace, about creating a world that is beautiful and filled with grace. I’m complex apparently, it’s part of being an introvert and I love it.

What? What is this blog about? It’s about thinking and sharing. Something I’ve learnt in life is that we all live behind walls and it just takes one person to be vulnerable and share to help start breaking those walls down. So I’ll be honest, I’ll share my life, I’ll think and muse. When I find stuff that makes my heart smile or my spirit resonate, I’ll share it with you.
There will also be photos. I will attempt to do the weekly photo challenge with bonus words added in!

When? My goodness, I’d love to set goals but I am useless at them really. No matter how useless I am at them, if I don’t set them what will motivate me?! One of my goals for 2014 is to blog more and I am going to aim for at least once a week – the photo challenge with some thoughts. Oh, and you’ll be inundated over the next 30 days as I undertake the Zero to Hero challenge. I probably won’t make it every single day but gosh I’ll give it a good crack.

Well blogosphere people, I need to go and find that beautiful 2014 Diary.

Until next time

Love,

Sara xo